It's incredible. My friend and I were on our paths to recovery. We started to fall, and so quickly she's in the ER, and I'm waiting for my BP to rise above 50... I'm thinking it's just our bodies reacting to previous events which we've suffered from, and nothing to worry about, but...

We should worry. We should be right terrified. We should be scrambling to make amends, to right our wrongs...

Except, I'm not. I'm not ready to get better again. I'm not ready to try. I'd rather just starve all day, binge and then purge, get drunk, take my sleeping pills, and do it all the next day. I'd much rather not involve anyone else. Especially not John, not now. He knows about my past, thinks I'm getting better, and I'd rather let him have that lie then the truth right now.

I'm horrifying.

Edit://Have you seen the videos on youtube of 'belly stuffing'? I can't imagine anyone would WANT to do that to themselves, let alone that OTHER PEOPLE get off on that. They go from 21' waists to like, 28' in a matter of MINUTES... I started gagging...

I feel huge, gigantic, monstrous. What does it matter, though? Does it matter? Do I matter? In the scheme of things, I am an over site and just another parasite. I consume, I dispose, I reproduce, and then I decompose. Nothing important there, right? I feel like... Everything that I've worked for has gone down, round the toilet rim, and down into Lake Michigan. Haha, honestly, that's where it has gone. I'm soooo hugnry right now, but I'm not eating for the next three dyas because my prents wont be home. Btw, I am drunk and I have taken my sleeping pills so fuckl off if this is spelled wrong, or makes no sense. Anyway, after three days of nonstop binging and purging, I'm done. I'm exhausted, I'm fucking fed up. Starving seems a suitable solution to this, when it shouldn't be. I only want beer,pills, and cigarettes. That's it. Regardless of the fact my heart hurt earlier or my stomach hurt earlier, or the fact that my veins are popping out right now, or that I am so tied I can barely type this right now. Am I aware of the risks, yes. Do I know what I am doing will eventually koill me, yes. Do I know tat I have already shaved off fifteen or so years of life, yes. Do I care, it seems to be a no. I care that I fell back into old habits. I care that I am failing at being better, but I don't care about much else. I somewhat care that I am hurting others and they don't even kno i t. How I've hidden it from doctors and family for 11 years now is baffling to me. I guess they just wanted me to hav privacy, but maybe they should've pried. This neverending hell, this fucking goddamned neverending hell. Why would someone wish for this? Why would they wish for dry skin, hair falling out, grinding teeth that are rotting, migraines and cold sweats, not being able to lift your head off your pillow. Why would they ever want this? I am not glamourous, I have few friends. I haven't been out except for work in weeks. I sleep after work, and I sleep for six hours a night and yet, i never get enough sleep. I may never be able to have kids because of bulimia, because my uterus is scarred, because... I'll get fat. Get fat? I am fat. 148.6 lbs of disgusting blubber. If I could get to 110, I'd be so elated, but I won't be because even at 103.5, I still felt disgusting and useless, but with even more issues.

I'm done. I'm tired. I think I've tossed recovery right out the fucking window of a moving trai, down a cliff, into roiling water.

I'm not eating, and that's final. End all, be all so they say.

Yes, for sure it is cold outside. It shouldn't be cold inside though, and it's not necessarily chilly, but my hands are so freezing cold that I am having a very difficult time typing. Ah yes, the blessed gifts that bulimia and anorexia so willingly give. *End Sarcasm*

Besides the whole not keeping as ingle ounce of food down for the past oh, couple of months, the having to dispose of the plastic gallon bags that were cluttering my closet full of the disgusting goo that comes from my insides in anger, and the whole idea that last night my heart was up above 90 bpm when it's usually only about 45, life has been pretty decent. I'm missing my Boy desperately. It's really very difficult to wean oneself off of the lusciousness of having someone's naked skin against yours several days a week, to having that same luscious feeling once or twice a week. On the same day. One gets very tired after that! Hehe... Mmmm, tasty. I am definately digging this Raspberry Crystal Light. Also, I need to buy more Diet Pepsi max. I am totally addicted to it and need MORE!!!

Then to top off all this rousing amusement, people on xanga have been faking their own deaths from ED's. Now, I knew this would happen, but not to such an extent. Honestly, Kristin (kausal) had the entire ED community on xanga going that she was going to die, when one ofour girls found her out. Now it has come to my attention that young lady named Lucie has also faked her death from anorexia and lukemia. It pisses me off enough to have the pro-anas and fauxlimics running about, but to have people faking their very DEATHS form these things? Come on! How fucking low can we go?

Jesus fucking christ on a stick my back is killing me. My scoliosis has gotten so much worse because of this fucking disorder. Gargh!!! Shh, don't tell anyone, but I've been getting the biggest urge to get some of that white stuff the c.o.k.e. It's just hit me suddenly like a rock. I've also been geting pretty blasted right before going to bed. Whoot-whoot life is grand! Totally joking, it's the lack of sleep and the numb fingers talking.

Yay! My computer is back in a working state. We got a horrible virus and worm on our comp (from an e-mail) and David was able to do something and completely restore our computer to its original state. Thank the gods for people who study computers.

Halloween was yesterday. It was so fun, and guess what? It was the first time in 19 years of trick-or-treating it has NOT rained or snowed. Yayyy! I got tons of candy!!!

I think, my safe foods are probably a lot of your guys worst fears. I love:peanut butter, chocolate, and cheese. Those and veggies and fruits are what I can eat and most likely (although I have) will not purge.

My mum is fearful I have thyroid disease (I don't) because I have lost so much weight (where?) and I have swollen glands by the thyroid (purging). I'm guessing, I should stop purging... Meh, I've done that before, but I just went into straight as hell restricting down to under 200 calories for weeks. That was back in my sohpomore year when I went from 150 to 109 in just a few months. I like the after effects of purging though. I love the rush you get.

Omg, I'm also super fucking sick. Lol. I forgot that part. I've been rushing meds like water, and I'm kind of stoned right now. Umm, I am around 110 still. Still unable to get warmth back into my hands. Umm, got a new bed matress, so now my back isn't hurting in the morning.

I think I am going to go into school to become a nutritionist. Lol, I've finally made a decision. I could go for psychology, but eight years and getting kicked out of the house at 23 would both pose a problem. I like nutrition anyway, so it works.
I'm watching the original Hairspray, and it's pretty amazing! I love it! I love Tracy! Go Tracy!

Man, WTF is up with me lately, guys?

I've been having this disgusting bowel movement type thing after being constipated straight for a week. Seriously, my stomach was like rock hard and painful to the touch and today I had some pomegranate juice, and now I'm like... It feels like I've taken a billion laxies. Sorry for the gross factor of that... I guess I just see this as my journal and my way of taking my thoughts and writing them down, and maybe someone will see this and it'll help them out knowing they aren't the only one.

Oh my god, last night it took 6 sleeping pills to get me halfway to sleep and then I woke up with the dryest mouth ever. I couldn't think straight, and I got up and was nauseus and then dizzy and I grabbed water from my dresser and like layed it down next to me in bed and slept with it cradled next to me because I was just that fucking thirsty. I am also having serious head issues. My headaches are increasing and getting more and more difficult to get rid of. MY HR has been about 45-50 for the entire weekend and since I last wrote. The only time it acts up is when I start to move around and then it starts beating painfully and somewhat erratically. Kinda freaky, but not so much.

To say I am hitting rock bottom is not talking about the above things. It's not talking about the freezing bone chilling numb that comes over you that only we know about and it's not dealing with your Head screaming things at oyu. It's purging in your boyfriends bathroom the SECOND he walks out of the house, and using his toothbrush and his mouthwash to clean yourself up, and acting like nothing has happened when you have to lie down for the next 2 hours because you are so weak and worn down you can't stand up. Breaking his trust, in his house, in front of him practically, is hitting rock bottom.

And my heart's thumping harder and heavier again...

Oh and we're getting DSL tomorrow... Yay!

I am on the verge of a breakdown, I can feel it tearing at my bones. I can feel it surging through my veins , ripping and cracking every fiber and muscle of my being. I am cold, so cold, but that's becasue I keep losing weight and losing weight, and never thinking twice... I keep on getting there and geting better, only to have a trigger occur and it all just seeps into the cracks of used to and ought-to-have-beens.

*Sigh* Oh great day after the next... I sometimes wish I could dissapear and mute the world... I don't think I could take being deaf for a very long time, but just for a little. Just until the world blows over... My hands are numb, and I think the laxative I took is having a very upsetting reaction to me. Oh well. It serves me right for trying to make myself better, only to have it fade away of course...

So, I was initially going to college to be a clinical psychologist. Psychology, well abnormal psychology to be exact, interests me to no end point. It's amazing... However, my lovely mother decided to tell me that I wouldn't make it through college for it, not in so many words, and that I should try for another of my loves: English. Well, today I decided something. I'm going to college, but not for English. For psychology to work at an ED clinic like Remuda Ranch or Renfrew or somewhere along those lines. *Sighs* I wish my mother wasn't such a sarcastic bitch, but I guess it comes with the territory and her daughter is just the same...

I've also decided that I love to play dress up and use make-up as my form of art. Other people sing or dance or draw or write or use metal or play an instrument. Why should I not be allowed to express my innermost thoughts on such a wonderful canvas as that of my own body? It was the same with cutting and burning... It was my innermost psyche unleashing itself in raw, unadulterated passion on my skin. It would bleed and scar out my worst fears, my desires, my hopes, my pain, my sadness, my happiness. Sometimes, I really miss it. Sometimes, I wish I didn't have someone like David who understands me so greatly. He reads my eyes like a book of emotions. I can't hide anything from him. Sometimes, I just want to be that skinny, boney girl with the unwashed hair and the dirty uncared for nails with the vacant eyes and the bloody marks on her arms again. Sometimes I just want to cower in the darkened corner of my room and listen to the voices tell me I am worthless and lost. I miss it. Sometimes. And it only hurts to think of it. Sometimes.

I hate christmas time. I absolutely loathe it, however...

Merry Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa, or whatever I forget to mention...

HAVE A HAPPY HOLIDAY, AND A GRAND NEW YEAR.

( This one plays music... )

I love this song! It's off of the Shrek 2 soundtrack.